SINAI — Scholars marveled at the revelation of what was described as a long-hidden passage of religious text, as a newly discovered portion of the Mosaic Law required Israelites to separate themselves from "unclean" Android users.
The previously unseen segment of the Torah detailed the laws and regulations the Hebrews were ordered to observe whenever they encountered unfortunate people who had been stricken with using an Android device.
"When a person touches an Android, he is unclean," the text reads. "If he is found to have been in contact with an Android device, he shall wear torn clothes, let his hair hang loose, cover his upper lip, and cry out ‘Unclean, unclean!' He shall remain unclean as long as he uses the Android. He shall live alone. His dwelling shall be outside the camp."
The law, discovered in an ancient scroll passed down among a nomadic tribe in the western part of the Arabian Desert, goes on to explain the procedure a person suffering from Android use must follow. "The man shall be brought to the priest, and the priest shall examine him," the text continues. "If the priest examines him and determines that his use of an Android has ended, the man shall bring a burnt offering to the entrance of the tent of meeting. Two pigeons or two turtledoves shall he bring. And the priest shall sprinkle the blood on the man's head and the tip of his swiping finger. He shall then wash his clothes and shave his body, and he shall be clean."
At publishing time, scholars were quick to notice that the severe penalty for continued Android use — "but if the priest examines him and sees that he is still using an Android, that man shall be cut off from his people" — bore a remarkable resemblance to the treatment Android users receive on our modern day.
The USA undeniably trumps our neighbors to the north.
